I am absolutely no expert in relationships or making them work! Whenever I give people advice, I always hate to come across like a know-it-all or as if I feel superior, because I believe that every relationship is unique, and what works in mine isn’t guaranteed to work in yours. This post is about something that happened in my relationship earlier this week. Ironically, it was a situation in which I didn’t follow my own advice!
My husband has recently started a new job, which I am very happy about! (get that money, honey!) I’m glad that he is finally in a situation to make new friends and experience a little bit of what the city has to offer. He’s now working in a busy station in London, which is his first job here in the country (we recently relocated from Brazil).
On his first day at his new job, I was very worried about how he was getting on, with the language barrier and even just being able to get around London. He knows suburbia like the back of his hand by now, but London is foreign territory. I was hoping to get some texts from him to let me know when he would be home, if he got lost etc. Long story short, there was a lack of communication on his part, and overprotective instincts on mine.
Instead of discussing it with him, I had been advised to talk to him about it another time, so as not to ruin his first day (“he probably just got caught up in the excitement”). I tried to follow that advice… Big mistake! I am not a person who can hide how I’m feeling. I have the face of a slapped arse when I’m pissed off and everyone knows it. So when he got home, and saw my face, he asked what was wrong.
“I don’t want to get into an argument. We can talk about it tomorrow.” and what ensued was one of our worst arguments in a long time. In trying to put off the discussion, I unintentionally created an even bigger situation! We argued, and then stopped talking altogether, and then argued some more, and then we went to bed without speaking. There was an unresolved storm gathering over our heads, causing a horribly sleepless night.
The next morning, we tried to speak before going to work, but time was short, and things were still frosty when we went our separate ways. Eventually, we made our peace like many 21st Century couples, through Facebook (on Messenger though, not on our public feed!). And that evening we were able to sit down and actually have a civilized conversation.
The whole situation could probably have been avoided, had we just discussed what was going on. Roni hates it when there’s something wrong and I don’t want to talk about it or tell him what it is. My coping mechanism is to just close myself off and not deal with it. It’s an instinct that I am constantly fighting. We’ve had many conversations about it and try hard not to go to bed angry. Things had been doing really well, but sometimes if we don’t think through our actions and their consequences, mistakes can happen. We’re only human!
It’s never easy to air out negative feelings and emotions, and that’s why I used to run away from them. But the truth is, when we talk it out, listen and try to reach common ground, however hard it is to get to, it doesn’t have to prolong the struggle. You’re going to have to face the problem at some point! I would never want to get to the point where we give each other the silent treatment for days, weeks or months even. I guess sometimes it can be good to give yourself some time to cool off, but wait too long and you start to get frostbite.