Opposites Attract

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I like Britney, he likes Gaga.

I like movies, he likes video games.

I like walking, he likes running.

These are just a few examples of the everyday battles we face because of our completely opposite tastes! At times it can be quite frustrating, especially when I want to watch a film and he looks like he’d rather rub his face on a cheese grater. But in the long run, I think it’s good that we are so different. He may think I am stubborn and set in my ways (which I am), but the truth is I really value his opinion, and it often challenges me to re-evaluate my stand on things, even if it doesn’t always come across.

And I like to think that the same goes for him. I’ve seen a big difference in him since we’ve been together. for example, I’m a neat freak and hate a messy house, whereas he used to have a very ‘relaxed’ approach to housekeeping. But nowadays he probably does more housework than me. He’s always washing dishes and clothes! And I’ve also developed a more lenient approach to what I consider messy.

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I remember an episode of Modern Family that was about whether people can change or not. When asked how much people could change, Mitchell replied “People are who they are, give or take 15 percent. That’s how much people can change if they really want to. Whether it is for themselves or for the people they love.” This always stuck with me. 15%. Is it a lot? Is it not enough? Is it realistic? I don’t know what your opinion is on the subject, but for me, I came to the conclusion that I would be happy to be 15% adaptable. It’s a good percentage to aim for! It’s high enough to see a difference, but not so much that you lose yourself in the process. And for the one I love, I will more than willingly try to get up to that 15% in order to make him happy, because I know he is willing to do the same for me. Sometimes I may fall short, but I really try. 

And this mentality has worked out well for us when it comes to the tricky parts. But it’s funny because even though we have our differences, in other ways we are so in-sync. We have the same dark sense of humour. We often finish each others sentences. We have the same fashion sense and are always stealing each others clothes. And I can almost always tell what he’s thinking and he knows me really well too. These natural similarities are the reason we were so attracted to one another in the first place, and the differences only help to make these connections that much more special.

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We may still argue about what takeout to get, and we are always on opposite sides during a celebrity argument, but in the end it doesn’t really matter. I love him because he is so different to me. It keeps me on my toes. And making up after a heated argument can be quite thrilling too!

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Is Time Apart Good For A Relationship?

If time apart is important in a relationship, why do I find it so difficult?

Let me start this off by saying I am actually confused as to what has happened to me! (maybe some Blair Waldorf gifs will help?) I used to be this super-independent person who loved to have time to myself and found a million things to take up my thoughts. I enjoyed reading, watching television, cooking, working out (I was never a gym bunny but I liked to try), going to the cinema or eating out, occasionally having a drink or two (or twenty) etc. You know, normal things that people enjoy! Sometimes I’d do these things with friends, but often times I liked to have ‘me’ time (although I’ve never been one to drink alone!). But somewhere along the way, I’ve lost that.

love too muchIn past relationships, and even in the beginning of my current relationship, I was never very clingy. I found that really unattractive in a person I was seeing, and if I ever saw signs that I could potentially start to become overly-attached I shut it down! Roni had to practically claw his way into my life, because I would always make up excuses not to see him or not to have him come over. I didn’t like him coming to my house because it meant I had no escape when I wanted him to leave! If we met in a neutral place, I could make an excuse to get away so I could go home and watch Gossip Girl!

Over time though, I started to notice small changes in my attitude. As I felt more secure in the relationship, I started to enjoy his company more. We had our individual lives, but I looked forward to our time together. I preferred to be with him instead of alone or even with my friends. Some of the things that I enjoyed doing became less and less frequent, and then ultimately stopped altogether.

togetherBut none of this was Roni’s fault. On the contrary, he thinks it’s important for us to have separate hobbies. I do too! I just lost interest in a lot of things because… well, I don’t really know why! I’ve never been a very good multitasker, so having a full time job and relationship seemed to take up a lot of my energy. When I do have time to myself, it’s because I want to watch TV and he wants to play video games, not because we have really made a point of setting individual time apart. It got to the point where we didn’t really know what to do with ourselves, because we were spending so much time together, but we weren’t doing anything productive or entertaining.

That takes us to the present, or rather, this week to be more specific. Roni’s had to work late shifts pretty much every day of this week, and I’ve had a lot of time to myself. The first night was really weird! I literally couldn’t function and couldn’t think of anything to do, so when I got home I spent about 30 minutes staring at the wall. Eventually, I decided to go over to my mum’s house (she lives next door), and spend some time with her. The next day, I set some time apart to work on a few ideas for my blog. By the third day, I was really struggling to find things to do, and I had a bit of an epiphany as to how pathetic this really is, and just how damaging I’ve been to myself.

weakWhen you are in a relationship, it’s not like the Spice Girls say it is, two DON’T become one. When I was single, I always hated it when my friends didn’t make time for me. When I was single, it annoyed me beyond belief when people only spoke about their other half. When I was single, I found it ridiculous when couples were always together, and never did anything separately. And now what have I gone and done? To an extent, I’ve become what I despise! But I won’t allow the full transformation to be complete!

I need to take care of myself, the individual who has his own interests, opinions, values and personality. These are the things that made my partner fall in love with me and these are the things that will make him stay. Of course I want to share every waking moment with him. I want to, but I don’t need to. It doesn’t mean I love him any less, it means that we both need to be able to identify where one ends and the other begins, instead of morphing into conjoined twins!

friendsThis week has been a huge failure, because I proved to myself that I am incapable of being alone. However, I’m putting that down to the initial shock and lack of preparedness for the situation. So how am I going to move forward? I’ve already made plans to see my best friend tonight (this gif was the reaction when I called —>), and I’ve chosen a book that I am going to start reading in my spare time, as well as trying to focus some energy into my writing. Also, I’m going to make the most of the time that I do have with my husband this week. Because as well as being able to appreciate myself, I need to appreciate the wonderful man I’ve married who I can sometimes take for granted because he’s always present.

I say all of this, probably sounding a little selfish, but I know he agrees and understand where I’m coming from, as well as feeling he could use time to himself to do the things he likes. The intention is not to put my needs or his needs above our needs… However, in order for us to continue to be happy as a couple, our individual needs have to be acknowledged (so long as they do not break our vows and are not damaging the marriage, obviously!). And in order to achieve that, ultimately it’s going to take some time apart.

not invitedThe thought of him being out and me staying in is daunting to me, because we do so much together. But I understand it’s necessary. No matter how much I feel like I want to be a part of everything I simply can’t without being an overbearing presence. There is a part of me that fears that he will enjoy himself more without me than he does with me. The fear of losing him to a night out with friends sounds preposterous I know, but it’s a feeling that can be hard to shake. Again, not because of anything he has done, it is just insecurity, and I need to have more confidence in myself and our relationship. I know who I want and trust that without a doubt, I have to trust that he feels the same, and he hasn’t acted in any way that would suggest otherwise.

This is new territory for me though, as confidence seems to be a bit of an issue of late, but I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone a little and I’m cautiously optimistic to see where we go and how we evolve from here. There is a fine line between growing together, growing apart and simply growing in the wrong direction. Too much time together, and you merge; too much time apart, and you drift. The way I see it, there will be times when we get it wrong, and there will be times when we get it right, the thing to remember is that being in a relationship doesn’t define who you are, and being able to handle the moments apart is a real testament to your union.

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Cooling Down or Freezing Out?! Knowing When to End an Argument…

Are you really just cooling off after the argument, or are you giving the cold shoulder for days on end?

I am absolutely no expert in relationships or making them work! Whenever I give people advice, I always hate to come across like a know-it-all or as if I feel superior, because I believe that every relationship is unique, and what works in mine isn’t guaranteed to work in yours. This post is about something that happened in my relationship earlier this week. Ironically, it was a situation in which I didn’t follow my own advice!

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My husband has recently started a new job, which I am very happy about! (get that money, honey!) I’m glad that he is finally in a situation to make new friends and experience a little bit of what the city has to offer. He’s now working in a busy station in London, which is his first job here in the country (we recently relocated from Brazil).

On his first day at his new job, I was very worried about how he was getting on, with the language barrier and even just being able to get around London. He knows suburbia like the back of his hand by now, but London is foreign territory. I was hoping to get some texts from him to let me know when he would be home, if he got lost etc. Long story short, there was a lack of communication on his part, and overprotective instincts on mine.

giphy (3)Instead of discussing it with him, I had been advised to talk to him about it another time, so as not to ruin his first day (“he probably just got caught up in the excitement”). I tried to follow that advice… Big mistake! I am not a person who can hide how I’m feeling. I have the face of a slapped arse when I’m pissed off and everyone knows it. So when he got home, and saw my face, he asked what was wrong.

“I don’t want to get into an argument. We can talk about it tomorrow.” and what ensued was one of our worst arguments in a long time. In trying to put off the discussion, I unintentionally created an even bigger situation! We argued, and then stopped talking altogether, and then argued some more, and then we went to bed without speaking. There was an unresolved storm gathering over our heads, causing a horribly sleepless night.
giphy (5)The next morning, we tried to speak before going to work, but time was short, and things were still frosty when we went our separate ways. Eventually, we made our peace like many 21st Century couples, through Facebook (on Messenger though, not on our public feed!). And that evening we were able to sit down and actually have a civilized conversation.

The whole situation could probably have been avoided, had we just discussed what was going on. Roni hates it when there’s something wrong and I don’t want to talk about it or tell him what it is. My coping mechanism is to just close myself off and not deal with it. It’s an instinct that I am constantly fighting. We’ve had many conversations about it and try hard not to go to bed angry. Things had been doing really well, but sometimes if we don’t think through our actions and their consequences, mistakes can happen. We’re only human!

giphy (1)It’s never easy to air out negative feelings and emotions, and that’s why I used to run away from them. But the truth is, when we talk it out, listen and try to reach common ground, however hard it is to get to, it doesn’t have to prolong the struggle. You’re going to have to face the problem at some point! I would never want to get to the point where we give each other the silent treatment for days, weeks or months even. I guess sometimes it can be good to give yourself some time to cool off, but wait too long and you start to get frostbite.